tight fit

I realize I've been doing a lot of drinking recently. Maybe not enough that you'd call me an alcoholic, but a lot more than normal. It's been rough mentally and emotionally since I lost my job, again. Yeah, I know it was only a preliminary cut, and yeah I know I almost certainly have my job back, and yeah I know I haven't shed too many tears over it . . . but I'm still very very hurt.

So, the tough fit part. I haven't been able to wear my engagement ring since being about 7 months pregnant with my little Goblin. I've missed it a lot and recently got pangs of jealousy when a coworker got engaged and had such a sparkly ring. Well, my Granny (bless her heart) said she'd pay to have it r-esized as an anniversary present and would then pay to have it re-sized again when I do lose the weight.

Well, unfortunately they didn't size it up quite enough. It's big enough that I can wear it again, but it's still tight. Bring on the "tea & sympathy." We all know alcohol does awful things to you and one of them is currently making me retain water so my ring is literally constricting if I wear it to bed. Let's not forget the empty calories in liqour, wine, and beer. This lay off is not doing me any good. Btw, I'm currently polishing off a whiskey sour after having had a whiskey on the rocks this evening. Not pretty, I know (hey you haven't seen all the spelling errors I've had to correct in this typing time.

Part of me wishes I had a place to drink until I was puking or falling down. Maybe then I would get it out of my system (along with a few pent up tears). Yes, I understand that I'm covering up my emotions with booze. I wish I had some alternative outlets or resources. I wish I didn't feel like people were judging me harshly if I lose it and cry or scream about my job situation.

It really doesn't help that this is parent-conferencing weekend. *eye roll*sigh*

pretense and separation

Ok so I know not everyone is happily married but I'm a little perturbed by one who is now on his way to happy divorce. I saw his Twitter tweet yesterday evening crowing about how he is truly "Bay Area" because he was sitting around drinking red wine and having his hair dyed crazy colors by his ex-wife. Well that answered that question. He's getting divorced.

This "he" is an old friend of mine who I've become increasingly distanced from over the years. He used to be a theater-geek way back in the day. But by the time he transferred to university at SFSU, well he became more and more what his idea of hipster (or something like it was). I tried to stay in touch with his lifestyle through blogs and the occasional email. But I became more and more aware that he was incredibly pretentious. He puts on these airs of who he supposed to be: work, hobbies, dance, romance.

We first met his wife at our wedding actually. They had only been dating a couple months. Hubster and I both thought they were right for each other, interested in each others music and hobbies and interests. We were invited to their wedding the next Spring, but couldn't go as we already had plans, but Hubster and I had just been married over a year.

They do odd things as a couple. Burning Man. Dickens Faire. Steam Punk conventions. Not to mention their whole wedding was done in home sewn Victorian garb and the reenacted Logan's Run through the streets of San Francisco with their just as odd and pretentious friends. It's all a show to these people. It's all about which nuveau punk band is playing at their "now" internet cafe. The tweets and blogs and facebook posts are self-important tripe begging to be validated. Frankly, I feel completely out of touch with this old friend and his new psyche. Frankly I'm a little disgusted as I am sickened by his pretense.

And yet . . . I am really truly sorry that his marriage has dissolved already, not quite 2 years full. Interestingly enough, he shares so much of his life online but he didn't share what led up to the end. And I guess, according to his post, they are still amicable. But it doesn't seem like it was at all right or real does it? Hubster asked "I wonder if he ever felt the 'forever love' that you should feel before you get married?" I asked "I wonder if they ever tried to work it out?" I thought they'd be able to make it work but obviously it wasn't happening. So I guess I need to ask now, was it all just a big pretense? like everything else?

anniversary

I spent my 3rd wedding anniversary with my CTA lawyer rather than my husband. :( Oh well. Heard some good things, but I don't know how much this hearing will help save my job. I mean, the union is going to save my job, not the lawyer. But he might be able to get my seniority increased by 3 weeks. Any little bit will help me right.

So here I will commemorate my wedding with a pic from my wedding night (I think I was sobering up by this point after the after party).