It's the thought that counts, right?

Warning: this is a pity party. - Do not read on if you're not open to being sympathetic because I don't need criticism right now.

Money's tight this Christmas. It's been tight all school year. In order to save my job (and 2 other teachers and a couple of classified staff) we all took a 2.73% paycut in the form of 5 furlough days. Honestly it's not that much. But over the summer we all took a devastating blow to our paychecks in the form of health insurance increases. My plan went up almost $200/month and no, there was no way in Hell I was changing my plan because I'm lying to the insurance company about where I live just to keep my HMO; my Ob/Gyn has been my primary care physician since I was 12 and lost my ovary to a 30lb cyst. So what was only gonna be about $110 cut from my monthly check (there went my thoughts of joining a gym) is now $300+. Ouch.

We already had to skip out on a Thanksgiving party we were invited to because we just couldn't afford to drive to Sacramento twice in one weekend (it's a 90minute one-way drive now) and bring a dish to share with a whole housefull of people. We're sorry, was our excuse, but money's tight. No problem, don't worry about food, was the response. But then the follow up reminder emails (mass mail) reminded people that not enough people had offered to bring main dishes and sides. Obviously it was about the food. We skipped it and felt like jerks.

Next Sunday we are supposed to go to a friends' house for a Christmas get-together. This time, the hosts are feeding all (different couple and much closer friends) and we've all been asked to only bring something if we want/can. But the emails went out that we should only bring gifts for the children attending. I sent a text to our friend saying that, although we'd love to bring gifts for the kids, we just can't; and that Liam really doesn't need anything because our families will be giving him enough. We are bringing 1 gift for the hosts' son because it's his 1st birthday (she had him 2 weeks early last year on Christmas Eve, the day after we all gathered at their home for a holiday get-together). She replied that they understood, but since she'd already mentioned it in the email, would it be okay if people still brought gifts for Liam. Well, how should I respond to that? . . .

I broke down into tears over this conundrum. I don't want people bringing us gifts for Liam. I know it's the thought that counts, but our group of friends is not exactly honest about their financial struggles. We are honest with them. But we don't know if the others are struggling; I know one couple certainly isn't struggling, but they're also the type to hold grudges. I feel awful getting gifts for our son and not bringing anything for the other children. But I feel obligated since it already went out in an email (like it was expected that we'd all bring gifts). That's what I was trying to say in my text to the hostess; we just can't afford it. I know I'm being selfish, but I can't even justify going out and buying maternity shirts for myself so that I have tops that fit and I can wear to work without looking like a total slob (all my clothes from my previous pregnancy are summer weather). When I can't justify spending that kind of money on myself and my job, how can people expect us to buy their children gifts?! I'll feel like a total asshole if we go, eat other peoples' food and get gifts for our child without bringing anything with us. But I CAN'T afford it!!! Sure I'm sure we can economize somewhere else in our lives, but not soon enough to buy gifts. Basically I feel like a complete and utter asshole!

Jon sent another text to our hostess to find out exactly how many children would be there and said maybe we could figure out something small for each child. There will be 4 + our Liam. That's like a minimum of $40 - a maternity sweater, a tank of gas, milk and meat for my diabetic diet. I was seriously sobbing over this and I know that my feelings are a combo of pregnancy hormones + depression. I guess my zoloft hasn't quite taken the edge/sting off of things yet. But I feel guilty and selfish and disappointed in myself for not being able to provide enough for my family. I also feel really upset at my friends for being so inconsiderate and making something like gifts for the kids be a social obligation and not just a nice thing to do.

If it's the thought that counts, then my counts are mired in low self-esteem, frustration, stress, and friendlessness.